If you would of told me ten years ago that I would have to battle drug addiction most of my twenties and up into my thirties, I would of LOL-ed in disbelief. Me? There was NO way someone who was obsessed with health and nutrition would become addicted to drugs one day. My mom can vouch for me, growing up, I wouldn’t even take cold medicine for a flu. I was a firm believer in natural healing.

How did I start off as a health nut?

You can argue, being that I was born on an island (Taiwan), surrounded by nature and ocean, advancement in Chinese medicine, it’s only natural that I would be born into the culture of natural health. But, what really pushed me to become a firm believer of nutrition and natural healing, was my distaste for the pharmaceutical industry. After all, it was the money hungry pharmaceutical industry that drove my grandpa into painkiller addiction and eventually, daily visits to the hospital for liver dialysis.

I was determined to save my grandpa’s life. At least, learn how I can help slow down the deterioration process by getting a degree in dietetics. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t end up getting my degree in dietetics)

The turning point.

It was during the dietetics program that I took my very first painkiller. I honestly didn’t know what it was (believe me or not). Now I know, it was a Percocet. It was given to me by my ex-boyfriend’s mom. Possibly as a way to keep me from breaking up with her son one day. But, that’s besides the point. I remember her telling me that it was going to help make me feel better. I asked her several times to elaborate what she meant by “it will make me feel better”. Now, looking back retrospectively, I wish I would of listened to that tiny little voice that was whispering “don’t do it”. But, I was feeling so stressed from balancing work at the hospital, the dietetics program, re-living my trauma from the past, not getting along with my mom, adjusting to having a step-dad all at the same time. It was a lot to process.

The world could be up in flames and I wouldn’t have a care in the world with anything that was going on

It made me feel amazing. Invincible.

She was right. It made me feel amazing. Invincible even. The world could be up in flames and I wouldn’t have a care in the world with anything that was going on. Even if I tried to worry. I couldn’t. It just wasn’t possible to care about anything. And that was exactly the feeling I had been looking for all of my life. Well, most of it.

I was once a very happy kid. What changed?

Most people who immigrate to the States are very grateful. I wish I could say I was back then, but I wasn’t. I was very angry that with my mom for years that, without warning, we were to immigrate to the States. My family was all I cared about, despite the sexual abuse that I had to endure as a child for years in Taiwan, family made it easy to forget all of that. After all, I had some sort of delusional idea that I was protecting my family by keeping it a secret. Now that I think about it, what it really was was God protecting me from thinking about it. Because, all I can remember from all of the memories I had with my family, were happy memories. Which is why it was so hard to leave them. Then to have to slowly start processing the trauma in the States as the years passed by…

It sure didn’t help that American television was consumed by pharmaceutical advertisements asking us if we are depressed and anxious. I mean, who in life hasn’t ever experienced depression and anxiety? It’s as if we are being bombarded with these advertisements as if it’s not normal if we feel depression and anxiety.

The nightmare lasted almost a decade.

I wish I could say that I learned my lesson after one really bad mishap. And, without explaining in detail how I got all of my painkillers (Most of them legally). But, the addiction, relapse, and recovery process lasted on and off almost a decade. Wow! A decade. It’s embarrassing just to think about. But, thankfully, each time I failed, I learned something new that I can think back and not make mistakes on. For instance that, four years of sobriety doesn’t justify being cured from painkiller addiction. I will never be cured from being addicted to painkillers, any kind of opiates, or mind-altering drug. But, an amazing thing I learned from this last and final relapse is that I absolutely can live a normal life that doesn’t include obsessing over a painkiller. The caveat is just that I cannot become complacent and think that I am cured and can start taking it, and keep it under control. That is just delusional thinking.

Thank God there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I promise you, friend. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. But, you have to take the first step NOW. Forget what’s at the bottom of the rabbit hole. I promise it’s nothing good, and you will kick yourself in the butt SO HARD later. Please don’t be like me when I was acting like a self-centered, foolish addict. Let’s grow together. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But, I’m saying it’s simple. One step at a time. As a saying goes in NA, “Easy does it, but do it!”. Let’s revive some dreams together!