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Break-ups can be one of the hardest things we all have to face at some point in our lives. It’s a form of grief after all. As much as we all have good intentions for a relationship to last a life time, sometimes these relationships are only meant to be lessons learned. Hopefully, the grieving process takes much less time than we fear it to last. With these tips, we can move through the process and heal from a break-up quicker than we anticipate.
The most important thing to know is that it is OK to allow yourself to be upset. According to Dr. Antonio Pascual-Leone in his Ted Talk How to Get Over The End of a Relationship, it is important to allow ourselves to feel all of our emotions. In fact, if we avoid it and pretend like we aren’t deeply hurt, we are actually prolonging the healing process. When we do this, these feelings can arise and sabotage our future relationships. Just don’t forget to actually make steps towards healing. Wallowing in our feelings for too long can be counterproductive. One great place to start is learning to name our emotions when we feel them. Remember, they are just feelings, they are only temporary, and don’t define us as a person.
According to Dr. Amy Hoyt, founder of Mending Trauma, “Journaling can be a great pressure releasing valve when we feel overwhelmed or simply have a lot going on internally.” There is so much science behind it, don’t underestimate the power of journaling to help us heal from a break-up. In a Cambridge University research, expressive writing contributed to improvements in physical and psychological health. Now that we’ve established the importance of writing, the next step is to decide on what to write. But first, make sure to take off those rose-colored glasses.
Now this may be one of the most difficult things to do, especially with those struggling with FOMO, “Fear of Missing Out”. But, it will produce great benefits in the long run. One study found that people who Facebook stalk their exes prolong their misery and stunt their personal growth. We all know, it may feel counterintuitive to cut ties, but the sooner its done, the quicker the healing process will come and go. When we are able to find the courage to fully detach from the world, including social-media, and solely focus on ourselves for a good six months, we can make incredible things happen. Imagine how much growth we can achieve if we focused all of our attention on ourselves. Was there a hobby, a side-hustle, work-out that you always wanted to start on that you’ve been neglecting? Maybe there were some old habits that needed to be taken care of because they were holding you back. Six months can make a huge difference, and people will notice when you return as a new person.
The road to recovery isn’t the same for everyone. Yours might taken longer than others. Some days might be harder than others. You might even question your sanity, and that is OK. Remember to have self-compassion, don’t talk down to yourself. Think of yourself as a survivor, not a victim. You are much more resilient than you know. Try re-discovering yourself, or, re-inventing yourself. Look for role-models that inspire you to grow. Watch old movies, pick up on mannerisms you like from your role models. Memorize quotes that are meaningful to you. For instance, from Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.” Learn some simple life rules like the “two day rule”. In the two day rule, you want to avoid having two consecutive days to be in a slump. We all have bad days, just try not to loll in it for too long. If you can afford therapy, get it!
In addiction recovery programs, one of the most important step of relapse prevention is avoiding people, places, and things. After a break-up our brains works in the same way as an addict explained Guy Winch, a psychologist, in his TED Talk How to Fix a Broken Heart, “Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanism in our brains that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.” That is why it is important to avoid anything that reminds us of our ex. We may need to “Feng-shui” our living space, change our old hang-out spots, cut ties with some people, or quit watching certain shows. Most definitely remember to get rid of anything sentimental you may be harboring in your home. You will heal from a break-up quicker in the long-run.
Grounding techniques according to the National Institute of Health can help someone experiencing PTSD or intense emotions to regain awareness of the present moment and alleviate those intense feelings. Here you can find 30 grounding techniques people use everyday to help improve anxiety, depression, and overall well-being. Routines are also super important and helpful. They help us to feel a sense of normalcy in life when everything else seems to be falling apart. Science also shows that it reduces stress, and improves our self confidence. This Web-MD article talks about the benefits of having a routine.
Like an addict in Dr. Winch’s TED talk How to Fix a Broken Heart. Our brain will want to find answers. We will re-create stories in our heads of what could of been, or constantly ask ourselves what went wrong. However, these recreations of the relationship out of finding an explanation isn’t going to resolve anything but only prolong the healing from a break-up. When we can finally admit that no explanation for why it ended will ever be good enough, we can then finally let go and heal. Also remember, your mind will play tricks on you, that the relationship was perfect, in reality it wasn’t, and you will have to frequently remind yourself of that.
Forgive yourself for feeling like you’ve wasted your time, lowered your standards, or fell for some “cheap tricks”. If you really think about it, there were some very valuable lessons you’ve learned about yourself. Jot it down in your journal what those lessons were before they are forgotten and become a repeated offense in the next relationship. A comforting verse from Genesis 50:20 in the Bible says, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to keep many people alive.” Knowing that God turns bad things into good for a specific purpose, makes the pain more tolerable. After all, pressure creates diamonds.
Read my personal story here on how I became an addict during my studies as a dietitian, and how I overcame my struggles.
