For as long as I’ve been in the dating pool, I’ve never truly felt safe enough to relax in a relationship. Maybe it’s because of my childhood wounds—scars that still require weekly therapy. The absence of a father does that to you; it makes trusting people harder when you couldn’t even trust your own family.
So, when a prospective future husband tells me, “It’s like we’ve known each other forever,” I feel jaded. I’ve heard that before—too many times. On one hand, I want to be fully present and embrace the moment. On the other, I find myself questioning his true intentions.
It gets even trickier when both of us carry childhood wounds, because then, we might both be testing each other without even realizing it. Welcome to dating in 2025, where emotional manipulation and mind games seem to be the norm. But how do we distinguish between someone who is genuinely interested and someone who is just keeping us around for convenience?
Let’s break it down.
Signs He’s Testing You vs. Signs He’s Just Not That Into You
If he’s testing you, he might:
- Withhold effort to see if you will step up first. He might intentionally hold back on making plans, initiating conversations, or expressing affection just to see if you will take the lead. This can be a subtle way to gauge your interest while also keeping himself from feeling too vulnerable.
- Give mixed signals to gauge your reaction. One moment he’s all in, making you feel special, and the next, he pulls away or acts distant. This on-and-off behavior can be emotionally exhausting, leaving you questioning where you stand.
- Wait to see if you’ll ask for more rather than naturally offering it. Instead of freely giving his time, energy, or commitment, he waits to see if you’ll push for it first. This could be anything from initiating dates to clarifying where the relationship is going.
- Suggest meeting halfway instead of making a real effort to see you. When distance is a factor, a man who is serious about you will find a way to see you without hesitation. If he constantly suggests that you put in equal effort without demonstrating his own commitment, he may be testing how much you’re willing to do for him.
If he’s not that interested, he might:
- Be inconsistent in communication and plans. He texts one day, disappears for three, and then reappears as if nothing happened. If a guy is truly into you, he won’t leave you wondering when (or if) you’ll hear from him again.
- Keep you at arm’s length while benefiting from your emotional connection. He enjoys deep conversations, seeks emotional support, and likes knowing you’re there—but when it comes to actual commitment, he remains vague or distant.
- Avoid making clear moves to pursue you. He might flirt, enjoy spending time with you, or even talk about the future in vague terms, but he never actually does anything to move the relationship forward.
- Make you feel uncertain, questioning where you stand with him. If you constantly feel like you have to decode his words, actions, or intentions, it’s a sign he’s either emotionally unavailable or not invested enough to be clear about what he wants.
The Problem with “Testing” in Relationships
Many people subconsciously test their partners, often as a result of unresolved childhood wounds or past relationship trauma. However, relationships built on tests and unspoken expectations often lead to disappointment and frustration.
- Testing breeds insecurity – Instead of fostering trust, it creates uncertainty and doubt. Constantly feeling like you need to prove yourself makes it hard to relax and enjoy the connection.
- It’s a form of emotional manipulation – Whether intentional or not, withholding effort, sending mixed signals, or playing mind games can be damaging. A relationship should not feel like an endless guessing game.
- It wastes time – If both people are waiting for the other to “prove” their interest, the relationship remains stuck in limbo. Genuine connections require reciprocity, not silent tests.
- It prevents authentic connections – Instead of allowing the relationship to grow naturally, constant testing builds walls that keep both partners from truly connecting.
- It creates unnecessary stress – Instead of focusing on the joy of getting to know someone, both partners end up feeling anxious and uncertain.
- It reinforces avoidant behavior – Some people test their partners because they fear intimacy. By keeping the relationship in a constant state of uncertainty, they avoid getting too close.
- It can be a sign of emotional unavailability – Someone who frequently tests you instead of expressing their feelings directly may not be ready for a real, healthy relationship.
- It sets a toxic precedent – If testing is normalized in the beginning, it often continues throughout the relationship, leading to ongoing struggles with trust and communication.
Healthy relationships don’t require constant testing. Instead, they thrive on open communication, mutual effort, and trust.
What You Can Do Instead
Instead of getting caught up in a cycle of testing and second-guessing, focus on your own standards and emotional well-being.
- Stop proving yourself – A man who truly values you won’t need you to jump through hoops.
- Observe his actions – Words can be empty, but consistent effort speaks volumes.
- Set your own standards – You deserve someone who invests in you without hesitation.
- Trust your intuition – Does this feel like a game, or does it feel healthy and genuine?
- Communicate your needs – If something feels off, don’t wait for him to figure it out. Express your concerns openly.
- Know when to walk away – If you feel like you’re constantly being tested or undervalued, you don’t have to stay. The right relationship won’t require endless proving.
- Focus on self-worth – Your value isn’t defined by how much someone pursues you or how well you “pass” their tests. The right person will see your worth without you having to prove it.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, a man who truly wants to be with you will make it clear—there will be no guessing, no mixed signals, and no “tests.” If you’re feeling unsure, take a step back and ask yourself: Am I enjoying this, or does it feel like work?
You are not an option. You are not a test. You are a person worthy of real love, real effort, and real commitment. The right person won’t need to be tested—they will simply show up.
Have you ever felt like you were being tested in a relationship? Share your experience in the comments below!
Check out my latest YouTube video on How to Manage Your Mental Health here.
Click here to read about How to Heal When Your Parent is the Source of Your Trauma.
Risa
